Realistic Insanites

free

lately it is all coming together, the moment in which it all just seems to make complete sense to me. why my life is the way it is the biggest question i ask myself, why? such a negative question. why doubt the universe ? is a better one. i’m setting myself FREE. letting go.. just let it all go, forgive those that have done me wrong, forgetting what i feel, remember the good instead of having a constant reflection of the worst in my life. i want to be free. i just want to be free to be who i am, to be free of the possibilities of what i can become, free from pain, free from love, free from regret, free from resentment. free from the demons i keep to myself. free to live…. the past is all just memories… these are just the mile stones i endured to become me. a mother, a writer, a worker, a friend, a possible lover. a woman. i will be free

The right one

Loving the wrong one so passionately and so deeply taught me how powerful love can be. Imagine how that love would feel returned to me, imagine how that love would feel with the right one. The right one will be someone who knows me and knows my wrongs but sees me as perfect as I wish myself to be. The right one doesn’t attract to my sight but to my mind. The right one will know what to say what to do without me saying or doing anything at all. The right one will love me and mine like it was his own. The right one will see the future in the glare of my eyes. The right one will treasure our moments till its our last. Forever wouldn’t be enough but for the moment his last name will suffice. The right one will see my talents, push my limits, support my dreams. The right one will never degrade, never call me out my name, will never lay a hand unless it is to guide me to our path. The right one will walk with me, not behind or ahead but beside me, with his strength I will feel undefeated even when lost, I win. The right one will give me reasons of my lonely nights, sleepless tears of my broken heart, it will be healed. The right one will be a dream for now but one day a reality. When I’m ready the right one will come unexpectedly, breaking down my borders of resentment I created. The right one will be you, will be us. The right one will be out there walking among me… Till then my love

forgive ? the fairly simple act of the self devoted but so complex for someone with such strong resentment. what a horrible way to live… such anger harvested in your soul. its built like bricks, the more you keep it inside the stronger it is but i’m lost. I’ve tried everything to forgive and part of me might of established a sense of acceptance. I just strongly feel cheated. i feel like life has cheated me from what i deserve for such a long time now. As a child never knowing my father from him passing at such a young age, my mother struggling with two and as the oldest losing my innocence, self assurance was never taught cause a part of me was always missing. self-esteem was never built, but always broken down. love was found but just an illusion. a strong broken collision that never seemed to heal. a continuous battle to be strong. a thought just occur in my mind writing this is why complain about the life i live if this is the only life i have? am i ungrateful ? should i just suck it up and shut the fuck up about how i feel ? but then again i cant avoid the feelings but embrace them. i just want a change, i just want a reason. not love not money but just a reason for it all. maybe its to be the person i want to be but right now i need to find out my path through this rain. thankfully i have an umbrella 

At this moment after beating the shit out of my pillow I realized how emotionally damaged I am. That I’m not over anything I’ve been through but instead I became the biggest expert in disguising my emotional disturbance. I seem to of made a brilliant mask for myself that covers up all that terrorizes me inside. I should of known I keep telling myself .. This resentment is piercing through my veins , so much anger and hatred its astonishing how I kept myself together for this long. All I hope for myself is to become stronger then I am and overcome this with grace but as the days that passes me by I just seem to hit a standstill and now I’m realizing what it is that is keeping me stuck. I need to let go of all this shit I bottled up and not say this to just the person who brought me in this predicament but to this blog, not to be ashamed of what mistakes I’ve made and accept it, embrace this present time and learn. But this all takes one day one step one more out burst to make me happy again.

Worst type of pain

I experienced a type of pain I don’t often like to reflect on. A pain that you might experience once or twice in your life if you don’t treasure or appreciate what you have. When all you seem to do is regret your choices in life and live for the past instead of looking forward to what future can lie ahead. The pain I’m referring to , is when the person you adore and love feels that love for someone else. It alters every type of security inside you of the love you once shared. You constantly questioning yourself what is it that I don’t have anymore? What has happened that I wasn’t aware of? The obsessive compulsive habit of trying to know exact details of what makes you not good enough. It’s a pain you can’t get rid of until you know why. All the reasons to dwell, but a sliver lining to this pain I experienced was that now I know more to life, the pain no longer consumes me but grew me into a person with more passion, with more integrity. But with time (if you have this difficulty in your life) with time cliche as it might sound it heals, you no longer see yourself as a victim but as someone who learned from experience. what pain has felt like, it prepares you for the worst because no greater pain then losing someone you love.

thoughts

This moment i want to express myself in words that just doesn’t seem to escape from my mind. how can i express what i feel for someone when i feel somewhat ashamed to still feel these emotions for them? the love, the hate, the resentment, and the admiration ALL IN ONE. How is it possible to hate a human being but love them all at the same time. when you want to literally inflict physical pain towards this person but make love to them in such a pleasurable way after. the border line of love and hate is so thin, a small rock can just destroy the ice and burst the waters. when all you wish you can do is just let it go and move forward but the past is all you can reflect on cause it taught u such valuable lesson. the love you have for this person just isn’t easy to contain but is important to conceal for your own sanity. the resentment so strong that any reminder is a turning point of your day. the imagines of the pain you suffered loving this person is with you everyday.. but you continue with an open mind of some sort of change can occur, cause god cant let me feel this way without a plan.